Many stores, in the search for better service, have added staff members whose job is to relate to you personally, like the "greeters" at WalMart and the "personal shoppers" at Bloomingdales. In the new old economy, "Empathy" is the buzzword, as if customers are just good friends who happened to drop into your store to buy some woolen sweaters.

So the obvious next step is this direction is to have a "Personal Complainer" who takes your side and represents you when you complain to the store, sort of like an in-house prosecutor. Here's how it works:

First, you come to the store with a complaint, and seek out the Personal Complainer department, where a Complainer is assigned to you. They listen to your story with much sympathy and tut-tutting and occasional interjections of "I told them the same thing, but they never listen"!

After the briefing, the pair of you walk over to the official complaints department (often misnamed "Customer Service"), where the Complainer launches into a tirade on your behalf. The Complainer screams at the minimum wage idiot manning the desk, demands to see the manager, and generally acts the way you'd like to act if you weren't so darn civil. In fact, you will probably end up restraining the Complainer yourself, saying "Hey, it's not that bad -- calm down!", and apologizing to the poor customer service agent.

At this point the customer service agent will give in, and the situation is defused. Not only have you had your tangible needs met, but you have vicariously expressed your anger. After much tearful hugging and back-patting with the Complainer, you depart -- a happy, satisfied customer.

Confidential to store-managers: Do you have an employee who is always bitching about management? Solve your problem: make them a Personal Complainer.